this is why you're single:

pre valentines day

2010-02-11T20:42:00.000-08:00

I'm up to the fucking nipples in stupid dude stories right now. I'll just talk about my most recent because it's hot and fresh in my mind. Okay I just double checked and from my previous post, this would be guy numero uno. Of course. So I've been hanging out with him into the wee hours of the morning about 5 days out of a week. During this time there have been multiple slumber parties consisting of makeouts, a sexual adventure, not quite all the way sexual adventures(okay quite a few of these), my favorite was making him come in his pants. LOLOLOLOL. Oh but anyhow yeah we are both just a couple of hot messes and we both know this. As he said it "We're both bad news but I think that's why we like each other so much." Pretty much sums it up. It's been kinda intense with the hangouts. But OH, here is the kicker. HE DOES HAVE A GIRLFRIEND STILL IN HIGHSCHOOL. wtf man....dude. So this guy pretty much hangs out with me all during the week because I'm always down to party and we have sex and shit and then he goes on dates with his girlfriend like once a week. What the fuck? I mean, we aren't dating or anything and I don't really want to. It just kinda baffles me that this dude is doing all this shit behind this chicks back. I mean obviously she is young and stupid and probably doesn't realize it but damn. But fuck if she is that stupid she deserves to learn her lessons and get cheated on because frankly. I. Don't. Give. A. Fuck.

late night ramblings

2010-01-05T23:28:00.000-08:00

I am prime picking for guys with asian fetishes. May I just say that males with asian inclination are the creepiest fucks around. They are usually into things like anime, too much porn and are always insecure. Now, I really like being asian. I'm a tiny 5'4" 105 pound asian girl, it lets me get away with murder. Without makeup I don't look a day over 15 and I'm no teenager, I work this to my advantage. Particularly at work, older people eat that shit up. I can work the innocent thing realllll well. Guys never suspect the shit I'm up to. It's fabulous! And unless I'm drunk and retarded and call the cops on myself (yes, this has happened) then cops are also in my favor. But man... when it comes to boyfriends, I get these asian fetished, poorly endowed fuckers. Yes I'm referring to their D I C K S.

I shouldn't talk. Everyone has a type right? I guess some people just have an asian type? Shit. I wonder if tall, skinny, well dressed, dark haired boys fear me as much as I fear asian fetished males. I hope not. Because mmmmmm I love me a white boy.

There are a variety of boys I am talking to right now. Right now I'm gonna tear em to pieces, because honestly talking to so many is just annoying.

Dude numero 1. 7 years older, by far the sexiest. Doesn't really have much of a future. Has an affinity to sleep with girls a decade younger than him apparently. People say stay away. I'd like a nice romp in the hay though. Plus! He's really funny, he has that asshole-ish witty sense of humor that I eat up. I do enjoy the older thing to, all the boys my age just don't seem up to par maturity wise. I dunno. I like this guy, I'd like to see him more.

Dude 2. Cute in an awkward way. Definite asian fetish. Mixed feelings. I am not sure what he is doing with his life. Asshole humor but not nearly as funny as guy number 1. EH on this guy he's odd enough to find this blog and read about me ranting on him so I'm not going to delve much further haha. BUT YEAH HEY DUDE IM TALKING TO PLENTY OTHA BOYS. Just give up.

Dude 3. Has a girlfriend. I know I know. I also work with him. I KNOW I KNOW. But damnnnnnnnnn is he cute, he cheats on his girlfriend often. I knowwwwwww. The flirting is relentless at work and off. Terrible. Okay fuck this guy. But it's fun to pretend that he may ditch his woman and run off and have a sexy exploration with me.

Dude 4. I'm STILL talking to this guy?! This is the one I was fucking on the reg for a few months following my breakup. He's adorable. But he's weird and emotional and smokes too much weed. A bit clingy but will disappear for weeks at a time. I also ignore him regularly. Really good in bed.

Dude 5. I've pretty much cut this sucker off. He's nice, pretty funny too. But his style does not match mine. And I don't just mean the type of clothes he wears. He's just EH. Just no more. You ain't gettin none of this but I enjoy the attention regardless.

Dude 6. I met this one at a bar. He's cute in his own way. Quirky. Very quirky. Drunkard. Talented. I blew him off really badly the first time we met but I was blackout drunk. He seemed fairly interested and maintains a certain level of interest. I'm actually surprised he still talks to me. I am normally not that huge of an asshole. I was just REALLY drunk, tired, wanted to go home. There is actually a pretty crazy story for this night but I'll save it for a later post, it deserves a full out story telling. This guy though...I could probably fall for. I don't know why, but I could.

i'm stopping now. i'm tired. i love boys omnomnom.

for 2010

2010-01-04T19:05:00.000-08:00

Lay off the weed. It makes you boring, unsociable and unproductive. If you smoke weed regularly you will scoff at this because YOU ARE TOO DAMN HIGH TO REALIZE THIS. Everything is "all good man." You just don't know any better because you are S T O N E D. I've been there, done that, smoked that. Just think of all the things you could buy instead of weed every week...shoes, cute dresses, sexy thongs, a gift for your grandma-she won't be alive forever ya know! (ps. call that lady, she loves you and misses you!)

Give the cookies a break, damn. Make some tea with some splenda or honey if you feel like pushing it. The goal for this year is not to be the chubby girl. Amirite or amirite?!

Use a condom, what the fuck is wrong with you. What do you want... AIDS?! Cause that's not in my agenda. There are wayyy cooler ways to die. Like exploding on an Armageddon-esque rocket ship full of really hot dudes. And come on... the word "bareback," sounds sooo gross. Ladies, don't let him poke your vagina with his STD stick. Ew.

Don't be that girl that still doesn't know her liquor limit. Grow the fuck up. Stop embarrassing yourself! Watching pretty girls twisting their ankles in their heels, falling around like their having fucking grand mal seizures and giving homage to the porcelain king at random parties-breaks my heart. Girls, girls, girls. You are not in highschool anymore... and if you're still in highschool-what are you doing with your life?! Have fun flunking college ya dirty sluts!

Don't date. This is your time to SHINE. It's just a fucking hassle. Girls with boyfriends are so boring. It's all they talk about and you can't relate about kissing cuties with them. And them inviting you to be a thirdwheel on a date? PUH-LEAZE. I'd rather stay home with my vibrator.

cat and mouse

2009-12-29T21:32:00.000-08:00

I choose him because he has a bad reputation. Okay. That's not my only reasoning, I'm not a total masochist! He's older, seven almost eight years my senior. I used to flirt with him years ago. The chemistry, or physical attraction, whatevz is still there when I run into him at a bar when I moved back to town. I was drunk, he was cute,I mean CUTE and I was all over it. My friends all vote yes. He's THAT cute, my friends never approve! Shit even my gay guy friend approves! That's equal to the word of God in my mind. Everyone that actually knows him warns me to stay away. But do I?! Of course not! He's a skater dude, funny, witty, charming in the asshole-ish way that I adore and covered in tattoos-even his hands. All of which make me foam at the mouth.

We relentlessly flirt, he is always down to party and I run into him several more times. We get along great, or maybe my fat ego is just telling me that. But this guy is NOT putting the moves on me. I haven't even kissed him! The most that has happened is him groping my legs. Squeezing them. He has done this a lot. That and suggestive hugs. Really? What the fuck. I want makeouts at least for FUCKS SAKE. You are supposed to be a man whore are you not?! He tells me I'm gorgeous and fun and blah blah blah. I'm loving it yeah, total ego boost. But damnit I'm not looking to date the 28 year old skater dude that is hanging out with people my age. Please tell me you don't actually like me. It will ruin everything!

And then! AHA! It hits me! This guy is older and he has some serious game. I mean what was I doing with the opposite sex 7-8 years ago? The most action I was getting was probably vicariously between Barbie and Ken! Okay maybe not quite that but still..I was a kissing virgin and would be for another good 4 years! Fact of the matter is, this guy knows what he is doing. And now he's got me off the edge thinking about how I want him in the most naked of ways. I'll let the internet know how the sex is. Whenever it happens. Which it better. Or at least the makeouts.

2009-12-17T21:45:00.000-08:00

Now that fucking is out of my system, boys aren't as cute as they were during my dry spell. Personalities are attractive again! The said boy of the last post has been keeping up with me, wanting to see me more and being a nice guy. I think he wants to date me. I am not used to this. I'm perfectly jaded and I prefer the sex without consequences. Booty calls if you will. That's what my life has been without my ex. I'm not ready for a relationship. Those are scary and take effort which I'm too young for. I'm just not doing it! I'll get into that another day. I'm taken aback and a little bit annoyed with his efforts to be nice. But OM NOM NOM ATTENTION. Girls love attention from cute guys! I feel like I should be more excited. Whatevz.

Attention from buster scrub-like dudes is amusing but always annoying. I went on a blind date with a computer programmer guy who has 3 cars and a motorcycle about a month ago and he has texted me everyday since. Some people do not get the hint. Ever. I work with the guy that set us up and I've had a crush on the guy I work with since day one. He's totally gorgeous! But girls are always after him even at work and he has a girlfriend-which he cheats on. Ew.

Guys with their shit together are BORING. Beautiful men cheat and ugly men are just ugly.

Ladies- we will never win. But I'm trying!

2009-12-16T21:09:00.000-08:00

I did it. I fucked another guy. That makes six. That's more than I can count on one hand..fuck. I have doubled "my count," in the past half year. I've had sex with as many people in 6 months as I have in my entire life prior! Shit!

An attempt of rationalization...I already knew him? From years, years ago; around the same time I met my ex, so 15. I've known him over 5 years. He's the oldest guy I've ever had a sex-capade with! He has all of his shit together, appealing. I had a thing for him back in the day, we used to have sexy makeouts. He was the second boy I ever kissed. Whatever, I don't really regret it. The sex was...pretty boring. Typical things, and too much foreplay in my opinion. I'm a get to the point type of miss. Straight to action, no bullshitting around. Ho hum!

I still CRIED over you know who today. I am such a little baby! I was doing so well too until he sent me that message. It's engraved in my brain and it won't go away. It will pop up in my head and I immediately feel like crying. Sometimes I do, shit, the past 3 days I've cried at least 8 times a day.

No more blogging I am being a buzzkill.

A good note-My ex has the smallest penis of any of the guys I've ever been with.
xoxo, slimeball!

just another night husslin'

2009-12-11T11:07:00.000-08:00

I'm really good at talking to boys/men/things with D I C K S, whatevs! I have a rather impressive collection of numbers from last night. In fact, let's see! I love waking up and reading this shit.

Dumb Dumb's TEXTS FROM LAST NIGHT:

....

okay I'm not even going to try. This is just bad, useless, I'm better at telling stories.

My boy trolling went as followed. The night started off lame. It always does. For everyone. No drinks in me, always a bit "ho hum" Anyhow I'm bored and don't feel like buying my own drinks tonight. Get a text from a boy I shall refer to as DJ dude. DJ dude has been on my nuts for a hot sec, a few years actually. No, I never fucked him, ew! Anyhow he blah blah blahs and I tell him to come out, he says no and that he's broke, I send a sad face and he's downtown buying me drinks in 20 minutes. Word. He brings his friend who is another DJ dude. They're funny, kinda cute but then he offers me some sort of drug. I am not a heavy drug sort of gal. I like my weed and I've done mushrooms once but whatever this little pill was that he told me I could "snort, or swallow" I asked what it was "lorotab" a "painkiller" "don't drink with it, it will fuck you up." as he hands me the pill, as I drink my whiskey. Well I appreciate you trying to rufie me with my knowledge! I pretend to take it just to fuck with his head. I like to do this sort of thing.

Anyhow, keep drinking, bullshitting, short dudes buying more drinks, hey hey hey!
Latino short dude starts to cry because my girlfriend with me apparently shot him down and he "loves," her. Ew. Who is this guy! Why is he crying! What a pussy! Whatever. Some random girl crawls to the bathroom, another projectiles vomit too close to my Gucci boots, time to leave this place! I text another dude, he says he'll come out. Yay! It's time to lose these DJ bozos though.

We go to the "hipster" bar. It's a little more my pace, cuter dudes, the DJ is playing Passionpit and I decide to dance. I somehow get 3 guys buying my friend and I drinks after this. The DJ bozos follow us there. Fuck. I smoke some weed in the bathroom, this is becoming too much to deal with!

After I emerge my friend is talking to the DJ dudes. What the fuck. I run into a cuhhhuuute dude that was friends with my ex. He's definitely older, but sexy, okay 7 almost 8 years older. That's not too bad right! My friend digs him and his friends too. I cop his number. I like his tattoos, he says he'll do that tattoo I've been wanting. Sweet. He cracks some good jokes about the DJ dudes giving my friend and I the evil eye from the corner. He is definitely digging me too and texts me the rest of the night, my friend and I leave because I'm ready for another change of pace.

Bar number...6? 4? 8? who the hell keeps count. Go to my old favorite bar that I didn't go to for a while because it was my ex's "spot" Immediately get shots from some blokes. Millionaire dudes. Right on! They are definitellllly older. 30's. More shots? IDK, just don't touch me. They want to talk and be serious. Ugh....I tell them my ex story. It's pretty fucked up and involves being homeless, call girls, cheating and everything in between so it always wins me more drinks. And it's all true! I don't even have to elaborate it's bad enough as is! Ew what a buzzkill though.

Time for my accomplice and I to leave. Okay wait. So my accomplice leaves without me. Uh? One of these guys drive me to the next bar. Okay that was sketch and I probably could have gotten raped, but it was my car so whatever I'm still alive and not penetrated! Plus he was the super loner looking type and just seemed excited to be in attractive female company. I just called myself attractive. But hey-I know he thought so, he told me.

Bar #...whatever. What the fuck even was that place. I just text dudes. Confusion. We leave. I drove? No..my friend drove. Yes she drives back 30 minutes to where her car is. I drive home. I broke into my place because I forgot my house key. My unread text inbox from deeeeeeewds from last night/this morning is 35. Jesus. I don't want to read those. I love being 20.

bitter

2009-12-07T19:34:00.001-08:00

How do you explain that the person that moved cities and went homeless for you is the same person that cheated on you for 2 years? Does that make any fucking sense to anyone? I'll probably never figure that one out.

I'm not getting into any more details. They are all terrible.

Thank you though, you sack of shit. Thank you for making me stronger. I will never let anyone know me anymore, I will never be that vulnerable again. I will never hurt again. Nothing could ever tear these walls down. Love is weakness and I will never be weak again.

I see everything through different eyes. It's been nearly half a year now. People are shadier. I see how ugly everything is. We are all crusted with a layer of filth. Everything is the same, nothing has changed. This is how it has always existed.

I threw the ring in the sea. You were not my binary star.

I have become ruthless, something terrible. I've become you and for everyone else that tries; I'm sorry.

kissing can be fun

2009-09-22T21:17:00.000-07:00

When you date someone long enough kissing becomes second nature. Kiss upon; waking up, after brushing teeth, making dinner, coming home from work/school, night time, when you want sexytime...You just kiss alot, it keeps relationships going and it's one of the nice things about long term dating.

Kissing strangers is a whole new fucking ballfield. Okay. I haven't kissed any "strangers," but I've kissed you know...3 people that I didn't know very well. I'm a total fucking undercover prude, leave me alone. That's not true either, I've just been in two very long relationships and have never had the opportunity. I was just blessed by meeting two terrific (at the time) guys back to back. Now I'm single and ready to mingle! I can kiss whoever! All 3 of those lucky fucking bastards!

I like seeing all the different techniques they all have. One was super smooth, the other two...really fucking awkward! I think they were all stoned...yep they were all stoned. At least I wasn't drunk on any said occasions! What a trooper..right? I neverrrr everrrr make the first move, ew! But this is what they all...I promise you all do. They start with some sort of minor physical contact, it intensifies more and more. Say...they move closer and start touching your leg, they shotgun you your marijuana smoke, they make more eye contact (ugh that makes me feel so awkward), et cetera! And then..bum bum bum...they give you "the look," fuck I hate that look, it's so corny and drives me up the wall. I'm not exactly the romantic type anymore since my latest ex. Then they slowly press their mouth parts onto yours. One guy was pretty cute but boring, one was so sexy that things quickly got..sexy, and the other I couldn't get to take the hint that I was hatin' it. I like more spontanaity in my kisses. I want them to catch me completely off guard, I don't like kissing when I'm expecting it. In fact, I don't even really like the guy to tell me that he likes me before hand. Spontanity is sooo sexy. You're much more likely to get laid this way, boys. I'm just saying. You're all too ugly anyhow!

My sexual frustration is absolutely oozing from these fingertips. I really wish that motherfucker would call me back. The sex was so hot! You hear that bucky, stop talking to your ex girlfriend and throw me up against a wall!

cause crying is for pussies

2009-09-22T12:08:00.000-07:00

well that's quite enough of my melodramatic broken heart shit. i sound like a ghastly broken record. like a barbara streisand broken record. ew. so today i was at cool beans, sipping my coffee and writing in my notebook because thats what you fucking do at coffee shops and then ...low and behold, i run into this guy that i've fucked recently. okay so i've only fucked one guy recently so 10 guesses who that is. anyhow, he offers to buy me a drink. excuse the fuck out of me? are we at a bar? is my drink obviously not right in front of me? i point out his awkward absurdity and he takes it as a cue to sit down next to me and explain his absence in my life. alright casanova, lets hear it. so he goes on and on about his emotional troubles, ex girlfriend drama, drug problems, oh my fucking god will not shut up. i really wasn't in the mood. i was trying to drink my drip coffee in peace, maybe write some hate poetry, ya know. So he's talking, I'm pretending that I'm listening. Maybe the occasional nod, or the "that's terrible!" comment but the more this sparkplug talked, the more I envisioned me throwing my scalding drink on him and dipping out. But no, it gets better, he then invites me to come to his house to smoke which only means one thing..sexing. I really was not in the mood for getting skanky with it, I'd already learned my lesson with this little ball of douche so I did what any clever girl would have done. I told him that I was seeing someone else. And it was a girl. The look on his face was to die for.